dori_492x3251Dear Dori - I recently became a proud father. I love my wife and son dearly, but I’m finding my wife has put all of her attention towards our son and has neglected me. I feel like a jealous child, but I’m concerned it is affecting our marriage and I’m afraid our relationship will never be the same. - Jealous Daddy

Dear Jealous Daddy,

First off, congratulations on your new addition! Having a baby is such a wonderful experience, but it also can be an extremely stressful time for families, as it truly changes life as you knew it. Although life will never be the same and your relationship has in fact changed, it doesn’t have to be a negative change. Here are some suggestions on how to embrace your new role as a father and husband, while being communicative about the changes in your life.

1) Be honest. Tell your wife what you are feeling (ie. “I know raising a baby requires a lot of time and attention, but I am feeling jealous of all the time the baby gets from you.”) Remember that feelings are never wrong. People are more likely to listen to you when you are talking about your feelings, rather than attacking them for something that they are or aren’t doing (ie. “You are neglecting me.”)

2) Start a conversation. When you and your wife have alone time, bring up the subject of how your life has changed since having a baby. Ask your wife how she has adapted to motherhood and how she is feeling about your relationship. You never know, she might be feeling overwhelmed with motherhood herself and having difficulty finding time for your needs as a couple.

3) Schedule date nights. Going out and grabbing a drink or dinner is just not as easy as it used to be, but now more than ever, it is really important to schedule couple time. Hire a babysitter and go out for dinner, coffee, or a movie. Or you can choose a night every week that you cook dinner and eat together (no TV, no phone calls, no blackberry’s). Schedule a couple night at least once a week. On other nights, try to have at least 30 minutes of uninterrupted adult time…just time to catch up on your days, feelings, etc.

4) Assess your new needs. Because you and your wife have both taken on a new role, you will likely have new needs. For instance, if your wife has become a stay-at-home mom, her role has changed double-fold. Not only has she become a mother, but she has lost the identity that her employment carried. Instead of getting feedback and reinforcement from a supervisor for a job well done, she may now need “koudos” from you about the job she is doing as a mother. On the other hand, you may be working more hours to support your family. In this case, you may need some extra “down-time” on the weekends. However, if you are both working full-time, you may need to re-asses your responsibilities in the home (ie. laundry, money management, dishes, etc.).

Keep in mind that you are not alone in this transitional period of life. Most couples go through a lot of adjustments when they welcome a new baby into their lives. It is so important to keep the lines of communication open and encourage open dialogue between the two of you. Talk about your feelings, no matter how uncomfortable or trivial they may feel. Like I said, feelings are never ever wrong. In most cases, once you talk about the situation, you will feel as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

Please check out http://www.charmedmag.com/wellness/expert-advice/ for all previous columns. And don’t forget to keep the questions coming!

Dori Chait, LCSW-C is a licensed clinical social worker. She has experience working in acute care settings, both with individuals who are medically fragile and psychiatric patients. Most recently, Ms. Chait was a therapist in an outpatient day program for individuals who are dually diagnosed.